Finally.

I woke up this morning and received an email that is probably the most important one I've ever had in my life. Here's an excerpt.


Dear Zaharina Binti Mohd Khalid:

We are pleased to inform you that the Senate of Carleton University, at 
its meeting of May 27, 2011 granted you the following degree:

Bachelor of Science 
Honours
Biochemistry and Biotechnology.


< 1 month :)


DID I TELL YOU I HAVE COCKTAILS OF FEELING ABOUT LEAVING OTTAWA?
I WOKE UP TODAY FEELING ALL EXCITED ABOUT PORT DICKSON.
Haih.


To tell you the truth, I'm as sad as a kid learning that there's no Santa in this world.


I don't want to start talking about leaving this place that I conveniently call home, because that could possibly initiate a dramatic waterwork and before you start throwing your judgemental opinions on me, I have my own reasons to say so, in which case I have the slightest interest to elaborate more on. 


Ok, I lied. I'll tell you why in a bit. But bear in mind that the reasonings I outlined below are of bite-sized. They don't articulately represent what I have in mind and in heart. Here's just a fraction of the bigger perspective of things.


Maybe I'm just plain ungrateful, or maybe I'm just too absorbed living in a place so uplifting that it makes me think, and most importantly, it makes me BELIEVE that it's my home. Malaysia has become so distant, so foreign and so strange it made me think twice of going back. I didn't say this out of thin air because I myself have a rich store of anecdotes. I probably have lost nearly half of my friends back home because this distance undoubtedly has cracked several joints in the friendship I built throughout my growing years. Also, I'm not going home to that familiar musty smell of bed I used to sleep in for the past 10 years before I came here. This time around, I'm getting myself a new room and in fact, a new family house that I've never been to. I don't even know how to get from the front door to the kitchen, let alone having the address remembered by heart. I hate to think that I'm a guest in my own house, needing guidance to find everything in the house. 
Everything has changed, my everything that I come home to are now strange things, not familiar things anymore. I hate that my close friends I mostly spent time with for the past 4 years are all going to be hours away from me. We're not going to be a bus ride away from each other, and that sucks. There's a point where I cried myself to sleep, thinking about the remaining days I have here. Thinking about leaving this playground I'm so familiar with.


I've succeeded in making myself sounded like a complete b*tch didn't I? You know; there's a saying that once you've gained your freedom, it's almost impossible to have it restored. I'm going to experience severe withdrawal symptoms for sure. I know it's going to be okay eventually in Malaysia, and everything will fall into places and fit nicely into its moulds but at the same time, I'm scared shitless.


















Ugh.
... I don't know, I don't think I can continue writing about this anymore. My heart slowly cracks and I don't think it's the best time to be writing. My heart; when it cracks it pours too. And when it pours, my writing will become extremely disoriented. I better stop now.
Hmm. I'll see you later, because I need to find myself a tissue. Ok. Bye.

Minggu ni, dah dua kali perihal perkahwinan terlintas dalam kotak minda yang makin lama dirasakan makin sempit. Sejak sekolah melabuhkan tirai, masa yang ada banyak aku isi dengan baca buku cerita, memasak, dan berfikir. Tak tahulah, semenjak dua menjak ni, banyak betul berita perkahwinan yang aku terima. Ada kawan yang dah mula mencari pasangan, ada yang nak bertunang, yang plan nak bertunang, yang bakal berkahwin setelah bertunang, yang telah pregnant, yang bakal bersalin tak lama lagi, ah. Semualah. Semua perkara yang melibatkan dua orang. Seorang lelaki, seorang perempuan dan satu ikatan yang halal. Hah. 
Biasalah, kitar hidup gadis sunti dan masih dara (bangga bangga) macam aku ni, dah habis sekolah fikir kerja. Macam post sebelum ni. Kan aku dok bising2 apa nak buat lepas ni kan? Normal lah tu kan? Nak kerja mana lepas ni? Haih. Pening. Lepas tu, pada masa yang sama, disebabkan longgokan berita perkahwinan di kiri kanan, aku pun TERfikir jugaklah pasal calon suami. Tengok gambar tunang/kahwin/baby member-member, aku pun terpanggil untuk berfikir kejap.


Tak tahulah. Kalau duduk sorang2 dan bermonolog dengan diri sendiri, secara jujurnya, aku belum bersedia nak jadi milik orang. Bukanlah secepat tahun depan, bukan 2 tahun lagi. 
Lama lagi. Lama sangat, OK. Jangan tanya aku lagi bila nak settle down. Paling awal pun lagi 5 tahun.
Mungkin ramai yang dah tahu, dan bertanya. Buat apa berkawan lama-lama, Nanue. Bukan dah 7 tahun ke? Tunggu apa lagi? 


Sejujur jujurnya, aku tak yakin dengan diri sendiri. Tak yakin dengan apa yang ada, tak yakin dengan semuanya. Banyak lagi isu dalaman yang aku kena uruskan sebelum boleh buat keputusan yang aku rasa paling besar dalam hidup. Macam mana kalau lelaki tu sebenarnya penipu? Lelaki tu sebenarnya berniat nak main-mainkan kau? Lelaki tu kaki pukul? Lelaki tu 'makan luar' lepas kahwin? Macam mana? Bersedia ke kau?
Macam mana pula kalau aku ni kaki menjawab, rebellious, dan kalau suasana kerja penuh dengan lelaki, macam mana aku nak handle fitnah yang bakal suami aku dengar? 
Tapi aku ada sebab untuk takut. Aku ada hak untuk mempersoalkan semua ni sebab dalam perkahwinan, kau pertaruhkan hati, jiwa, diri, dan segala-gala yang paling berharga yang kau ada dalam hidup ni. Risiko adalah 100%. Biarlah sayang melangit tinggi sekali pun, tapi hati jangan dibiar buta dek cinta dunia. Aku tak nak terperangkap setelah semuanya terlambat. Tak nak dan tak akan. Aku mahukan niat hidup bersama tu tidak disertai nafsu, tetapi niat seorang hamba Allah yang mencari sebahagian agamaNya. 


Aku tak takutkan tanggungjawab seorang suri. Aku takutkan niat kenapa lelaki dan perempuan berkahwin. Aku tak mahu berkahwin itu sekadar menghalal perkara, kerana kahwin punya isi yang lagi lebih. Sekarang, hari-hari aku berdoa je moga-moga satu hari berjumpa dengan si dia yang sebenar-benarnya. Kalau yang sekarang ni bukan hak aku, jauhkan saja dia dari aku. Aku doa supaya Dia tunjukkan yang dia bukan hak aku. Pernah juga terfikir. Kalau bukan itu orangnya, masa aku terbuang banyak untuk lelaki yang tak berhak. Tak adil untuk yang sebenar-benarnya berhak. Tapi aturan Dia cantik. Dijauhkan aku dari dia sejauh-jauh mungkin, dan dicampak aku beribu-ribu batu terpisah. Meminimizekan perkara2 tak elok. Boleh dikatakan, 7 tahun kami ini, macam takde intipati. Yelah, 2 tahun kat sekolah, semuanya sorok dan malu-malu lagi, takut kantoi kat cikgu. 4 tahun di sini, balik 3 bulan saja dalam tempoh 4 tahun tu. 1bulan dari 3 bulan tu, dia makan angin kat Europe. Total berjumpa sepanjang 4 tahun ni = 2 bulan. 1 tahun tu, saya kat Taylor's, dia kat Melaka. Jumpa jarang sangat sebab baru lepas SPM, duit tak ada, kereta tak ada. Susah sangat. Pulak tu, dia ada masuk PLKN dalam setahun tu. Total lepas SPM = 9 bulan. Total jumpa, gayut, spend time sama-sama dalam tempoh kenal 7 tahun ni = 11 bulan. Tak sampai pun setahun kami couple, technically. Saya berani kerat jari cakap mereka yang baru 5 bulan couple dalam universiti yang sama mungkin dah lebih banyak kali berjumpa, dan lebih kenal pasangan dari kami yang dah 7 tahun ni. Saya berani jamin. Kami punyalah jarang berjumpa, sampai kadang tu kami pernah bergurau, cakap macam ni. "Nanti KALAU kahwin, kita MSN and text lagi tau, tak biasa ah face-to-face?" Ha, sampai macam tu sekali. Rship ni 99.50% based on technology. Not our hearts, thoroughly. Tak caya pergi usha FB kami. Photos in common: 4. Itupun gambar dia  yang kawan tag aku, and gambar menarik yang aku tag dia. Actual picture of us together in a frame? DUA. Satu gambar kelas 5 Farabi dengan Cikgu Faizul Arbok, satu lagi gambar dating. Tujelah. Nampak tak betapa patheticnya kami?


Sebab tulah, kalau ditanya bila nak settle down, aku ragu-ragu lagi. 7 tahun nampak macam lama, tapi sebenarnya takde isi. Aku kenal dia, tapi aku tak kenal dia. Faham tak? Ah. Korang maybe tak faham. 
Distance ni sebenarnya boleh diview dari dua point of view. 1. Allah nak menunjukkan dia bukan untuk aku. ATAU 2. Allah sayang, sebab tu Dia letak kami jauh lama-lama, tapi stay jugak sampai sekarang sebab nak minimize perkara tak baik.
Ha, pilih lah mana yang kau rasa bertepatan. Dan inilah part paling mencabar sekali.


Ultimately, lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik, kan? Begitulah sebaliknya. At the end of the day, kalau aku dok fikir-fikir sangat pun bukan dapat jawapan, atau selesaikan apa-apa. Ini semua aturanNya. Redha jelah. So, aku fikir, kalau aku jaga diri, iA yang baiklah yang Tuhan beri. Kalau perangai aku ni macam hantu, siap sedialah. Tapi seriously, bila fikir dalam-dalam pasal kahwin dan things that go along with it, memang rasa tak nak kahwin langsung ah. Sebab tu aku cakap lambat lagi. Aku rasa aku takkan kahwin sampai aku 150% ready. Banyak sangat cerita aku dengar yang menggoyang keyakinan aku terhadap kesucian and kekuatan institusi perkahwinan ni. Bila dok fikir, aku rasa bila niat kahwin tu tak betul, itulah yang buat rumahtangga jadi tak tentu arah. Semua kahwin sebab tak tahan, sebab nak tutup mulut saudara mara, sebab nak ikut arus semasa, sebab dah lama sangat couple, sebab nak 'buat'. Bukan sebab Dia. Sebab tu aku rasa, niat kahwin tu kena betul, dan bila aku dah rasa aku dah sampai niat tu, barulah aku akan say 'yes'. 

OKlah kawan-kawan. Tu je nak sembang malam ni. Sorry panjang sangat, dah kata topik kawin, memanglah jadi draggy kan. Semoga orang2 yang baca post ni doakan saya dapat jodoh yang baik-baik dan saya mendoakan korang pun dapat jodoh yang baik-baik juga. Doakan saya dapat jodoh yang baik tau, bukan doakan saya stay dengan yang sekarang ni, manalah tau ini bukan yang terbaik? Kalau ya, alhamdulillah.. Kalau bukan, jauhkan dia. Pada yang dah kahwin, semoga berkekalan sehingga anak cucu, dan tahniah. Kepada yang belum berkahwin, mari mencari dan yakin dgn ketentuan Dia. Pada yang tak nak fikir dulu sebab belum lagi SPM, doakanlah kakak ini dan pembaca-pembaca yang lain, ameen...
OK, salam semua. Tata!


p/s: Subuh tadi bangun dengan kerak di  tepi bibir sebab air liur, maka sahlah! Aku tak ready nak ada mamat lain sebelah ni. Ngeri dia tengok bini nya yang jijik ini.

Hi all.
I felt uneasy on the chest this morning because I had trouble breathing. And because my period tracker says that I'm 4 days away from the full moon, it's very much assumed that I'm in that 'mengada-ngada' term. I texted the man, fishing for his TLC.
Me: Sesak nafasla... Kalau Nue mati, nak watpe?
The man: Janganlah cakap camtu, nanti saya akan datangla majlis tu.
Oh boy. Can someone please remind me, why did I surrender my heart to him?

-


To tell you the truth, THIS doesn't feel as good as what I thought it would be.

Hi everyone, I hope I'm being missed.

I was crazy-busy for the past few weeks (due to some inexplicable, malevolent forces of higher education's nature) that I haven't got much time to pull the strings and stitch up some good, read-worthy posts to put up on my blog. Alhamdulillah, I got it all out of the way and I can say that I'm pretty much done with Undergrad, insyaAllah. Except for this one elective subject that I have to sit for this coming Apr 8th, which isn't much of a stress for me, hopefully. As of now, I'm literally counting my days to be done with school, I can't wait for the day of my convocation ceremony and then I'll be leaving this Great White North for good. That departure day would definitely be an intense emotional cascade, something that I don't look forward to because after all these while, to me, Ottawa has been my playground for the past 4 years and leaving it would be an ultimate despair. My physical may not have grown as much, but this place moulded this Zaharina you see today. It moulded my personality. Who I was 4 years back isn't the same as who I am today. I guess we all are. As much as I love my country, I can't help but to also have an affair with this one. Canada please, don't you ever forget about this tiny girl who sang you many songs and cried you gallons of tears. 

Holyyy, we finally bypassed all stages with cocktail of grace and bitterness, friends. It's game over for us after 4 gruelling years. 4 years! Oh how time flies.

That sad story aside, today I'm sharing an important lesson I learnt a few days ago. On my last day of lecture, Dr. Aitken reminded us of how important it is to have passion and desire in whatever we choose to do in life. While discussing about what to do once the curtain falls, she advised us not to jump into something just because everyone else is doing it; or because your mother/brother/sister/colleagues/friends told you to; or because you don't want to feel left out, and many other cliche-loaded excuses. Being in this field, she complained about students who ended up doing something they aren't thoroughly soaked in, something that's far out of their league. Her voice was filled with disappointment when she addressed this issue to us, as though we were one of those people. And if what we chose doing brought us to nothingness, don't give up easily, just brave yourself to pick up the pieces and reassemble them, take a different route and patiently pave the way to what you dreamed of.

Start by picturing yourself in 10 years time. What do you see yourself as, what you think you're gonna be dressed in. Doesn't matter if you see yourself in a white lab-coat, a suit, a uniform, or a pair of baju kurung. From there, begin tracing on how you're going to go from the point you're at right now, to that picture you had in mind. Build your own map, sort of. The point at where we're starting at is the same: That stage where you take your scroll. I have friends considering for Master's degree, a friend that wants to pursue business instead of science, friends that want to land a good career, and many many more. She told us that Grad school is for people that are wholeheartedly compassionate in research and committing to their work, people that don't come up with excuses. Dr Aitken told us to give ourselves a little more options instead of opting for only one. Talk to a lot of people, ask around and don't be shy to beg for opinions from all corners possible. Gather them all and when deciding for what's best for the next step, box them together and put it aside. Think about what would work the best to your ability and detect any biased elements derived from the persons you gathered your opinions from. Bear in mind that there's fallacy invested in their opinions and once you've decided on what to do and are about to take the first step, consider these opinions and find which one suits you best. People's routes may not cater to your ability and preferences. So don't blindly follow others, just because. Think about what you want to do, and what you're willing to throw in the game to reach the finish line. And of course, on your way up, there's going to be a lot of emotional stresses involved but that never means your game's over. Never give up, and never regret your decision. Never let the hurdles hinder you from reaching your goal. Take it as a part of the many processes necessary to establish yourselves.

On the note of pursuing into a Master's degree, I'm sure they're fun for others. As for me. If all else fail, I may have to consider that option. But I need to first develop an intense, burning desire to continue studying, because I don't want to rape the beauty of learning with desire. But right now, I haven't managed to unveil that desire yet. I just can't decide on what to do after. Alas, the Secret of Adulthood is true; just because something is fun and do-able for someone else, doesn't make it do-able and fun for me. The decision making is a bit of a struggle in my book. Both spectrums displayed generous amount of pros and cons. Whatever I choose doing, I hope I won't be second-guessing myself halfway on the lane. Allah is great, He really is. He paved the way nicely for me to walk through and left me a tick box to fill in. 

So folks, whatever you plan on doing, always put your hearts to it. It will work. Always.
So, good luck in choosing and deciding!

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