::Nanuenymous::

It's hard to physically pretend when the feeling does not cooperate. Yesterday has opened my eyes to things I overlooked upon. Things I thought I could candidly deal with, things that made my eyes cross. Because when it happened, it felt like as though a brick had sled down through my chest into the tummy.

I feel betrayed, and I misinterpret the bond we share.

I sat down and listened to my own flickering eyes. My heart ran a little faster than usual, following my thoughts. How could people do this to persons they call friends?

My thought didn't wander off that far. I relate the occasions with myself. I try to blame myself. Maybe I really am a horrible person after all. I am a bad influence, the one your mum told not to befriend with. I am a heartless bitch that judge and leave people hanging with no mercy. I am selfish, and torn. Yes I am. And we're all aware of this. Of how ungodly and horrible person this Nanue is.

But one thing you don't know, I always find myself hating myself even more intense hate, than the person I squished, afterward a bitching session. I regret making people feel like a pile of shit. Always. To the point of not wanting to get myself into situations that bring me back to my wrongdoings because I have lost faith in myself. I loathe even coming to the edge of it. It's a shame for me. That's why you always find me do randomest cute things once in a while, to make things up. Because that's just how I make myself feel belong.

My past upbringing have always been an excuse to the cold Nanue you see today. Me being myself has often being the thrown accusations of many parties towards me. Without being too dramatic, I do, sometimes think people hate me (because of my mean self) to the point of praying and wanting to see me fall over and crumble. For some reasons, I don't blame them for wanting so. These people, while saying good, constructive things in front of my face; they laugh so hard behind my back. And when my sad stories were told, I heard chirps of nonsensical ignorance echoing because my stories are irrelevant to their sustainability. Because I've always been that friend with benefits. Only.

It already took so much for me to let people in, to have the privilege of being the few ones able to penetrate my bubble, my cold heart. Bet you don't know. And now on to dump it all because of your sick need to feel good when I crumble, is very disheartening of a being. What more of a friend.

I am a big sister of five. The degree of how fraudulent these hearts get when it comes to emotional businesses doesn't even need an explanation. So, if you're not ready to appreciate, please, DO NOT initiate mine. Because I was never that chatty, queen bee girl who had people swarming around, the queen that feels nothing when one of the bees walked away. I was always the traditional, conserved one that sits in the corner and observe, the one that values even the littlest chance I get in life. Because when you tickle my friendly nerves, I treasure you with every fibre of my being. But once it cracks, it crashes my whole system. You just don't know, and you never will. Because the heart you're hurting is a hidden fragile heart of mine that has no voice.

I wanted to write this post to set up any expectations you might have about me. Because I think it's about time. Time for me to Speak Now, or otherwise be eternally unheard. And I think it's time for me to regain my interest to do good deeds and not dig those up when it ended up being unpaid. A friend once told me. Never stop doing good things to others in life, no matter how shitty the other parties did you the entire time, and to not hold grudge. Because God will pay you the best of things that may not come from the ones you've done your noble deeds to, but through many other channels in life. People are horrible, but give them chances and allow yourself to see the good in people. Even though all they want to see is me falling apart, because for them, it's their feel good karma.

People's grudges made me think. Lesson learnt: People that I value > people that value me. And I have to deal with it. Accept it. Live with it. Do good, expect nothing in return.

I'm now telling myself to expect less from others. And swallow the sadness. Because at the rate I'm crumbling right now, EXPECTATIONS have always led me to a shattered self, and I'm too young and too precious to let it happen, because there's more to life than what meets the eye.
And as for you my friends that broke my heart, I have no will to disengage. Do whatever you want, because regardless of how mean I was to you and how mean I can possibly transform to, I'm still here to stay. And I never, ever wish you the worst. Or aiming for your fallout. Because when you're down, I'm not there physically. But you're always in my prayers. And that what matters. Don't you know that I don't favour emotional showcase?

Half empty? Half full?
It's time to be that wise girl and shove the cotton candy world down the bin.