::Nanuenymous::

To tell you the truth, I'm as sad as a kid learning that there's no Santa in this world.


I don't want to start talking about leaving this place that I conveniently call home, because that could possibly initiate a dramatic waterwork and before you start throwing your judgemental opinions on me, I have my own reasons to say so, in which case I have the slightest interest to elaborate more on. 


Ok, I lied. I'll tell you why in a bit. But bear in mind that the reasonings I outlined below are of bite-sized. They don't articulately represent what I have in mind and in heart. Here's just a fraction of the bigger perspective of things.


Maybe I'm just plain ungrateful, or maybe I'm just too absorbed living in a place so uplifting that it makes me think, and most importantly, it makes me BELIEVE that it's my home. Malaysia has become so distant, so foreign and so strange it made me think twice of going back. I didn't say this out of thin air because I myself have a rich store of anecdotes. I probably have lost nearly half of my friends back home because this distance undoubtedly has cracked several joints in the friendship I built throughout my growing years. Also, I'm not going home to that familiar musty smell of bed I used to sleep in for the past 10 years before I came here. This time around, I'm getting myself a new room and in fact, a new family house that I've never been to. I don't even know how to get from the front door to the kitchen, let alone having the address remembered by heart. I hate to think that I'm a guest in my own house, needing guidance to find everything in the house. 
Everything has changed, my everything that I come home to are now strange things, not familiar things anymore. I hate that my close friends I mostly spent time with for the past 4 years are all going to be hours away from me. We're not going to be a bus ride away from each other, and that sucks. There's a point where I cried myself to sleep, thinking about the remaining days I have here. Thinking about leaving this playground I'm so familiar with.


I've succeeded in making myself sounded like a complete b*tch didn't I? You know; there's a saying that once you've gained your freedom, it's almost impossible to have it restored. I'm going to experience severe withdrawal symptoms for sure. I know it's going to be okay eventually in Malaysia, and everything will fall into places and fit nicely into its moulds but at the same time, I'm scared shitless.


















Ugh.
... I don't know, I don't think I can continue writing about this anymore. My heart slowly cracks and I don't think it's the best time to be writing. My heart; when it cracks it pours too. And when it pours, my writing will become extremely disoriented. I better stop now.
Hmm. I'll see you later, because I need to find myself a tissue. Ok. Bye.